Tuesday, July 16, 2002
I fucking can't believe it. Really...when you least expect it, your life changes over night. Well...this isn't really a case of that...but still...what the fuck just happned?
So I am standing in the corner of one of the trains on the subway minding my own business. When I get to 30th street, I decide to leave my cramped hole and get close to the door. As I swing around to face the doorway, the girl in front of me turns around and like out of a movie we both say at the exact same time: "Oh my God."
Standing in front of me is a girl named Desiree. I am in SHOCK. I look next to her and who the fuck do I see sitting there??? KIM MOORE! UM! KIM MOTHA FUCKING MOORE! Kelly...do you remember Kim? She lived with Andrea.
Ok..let me explain before this gets super annoying.
Kim and Desiree are two of the 34 residents that lived in my hall when I was an RA, my junior year of college. I was THAT RA. The one that drank with his residents, covered for them on every occassion, bought pot for and from them, etc. In turn, they went to every program I put up, showed up at every hall council meeting, and became, for the year...my best friends. It was a crazy year for me for so many reasons...but the best and worst of it came from these 34 people. I have to admit it. I was an AMAZING RA. In my 3 years in the dorm, I never saw a floor bond as well as mine did. Most of them stayed in touch all through college and even moved in with eachother once that time came to move off campus. To prove my point more...Desiree and Kim were from TWO sides of the track when they met at my first hall meeting...and now they live together in Astoria! We all did a lot together and we all got close real fast. Damn. That was a GOOD year for me in a lot of aspects.
Kim, Andrea, and I became the closest first. They were both drop dead gorgeous and the kind of girls that I usually am friends with. Not because they are gorgeous, but because they were fun and just like me. We had an intense friendship for about 4 months. I was straight at the time and fell for Andrea. My brother came to visit and he and Kim fell hard for eachother. That was difficult for me to deal with at the time...but so it goes...
At the end of the first semester, I had a MAJOR falling out with these girls, cuz I realized that I was giving them all of my attention and not focusing on the other 32 people of my floor.
Needless to say, I branched out and they got pissed.
Since that time, I haven't really gotten along with Kim and Andrea. It's always a fake "hi" and an even faker "bye". I got close to Desiree when I had to spend the night in the hospital with her due to her horrible asthma attacks.
The year ended with a fucking BANG and I said goodbye to all of them.
The next year, I pulled away from ALL of them completely, in typical Joe style, and got to know my girls of 56B. The girls that stayed with me up until this point and the girls that I owe my life to. All the bullshit with my residents up until that point was worth it, having met these incredible 56B ladies.
But I sacrificed all of them in the process.
When I saw Desiree and Kim on the subway, my heart stopped. So many things flashed through my mind.
1) I was INCREDIBLY excited to see them.
2) They don't know I am gay. I came out two years after not talking to them anymore.
3) I think they might still harbor negative feelings for me, considering how it all went down at the end. Kim especially.
So, because of all of this bullshit...I had no idea how to react to them. I acted like I didn't want to see them and when it was time to go our separate ways...I said: "Well...see you at the subway again." They both looked a little disheartened, but it was too late. I had already killed the chance of asking for or giving my number. They were like "ok...see ya", I hugged and kissed them, turned on my heels and walked away.
As I walked home I started to get upset. Why was I like that to them? Regardless of these thoughts I had...why did I not just suck it up and be nicer? Why didn't I give them my number and let them make the choice of calling me?
I'll tell you why.
It's so RARE...in fact...it's almost impossible for me to run into anyone who doesn't know that I am gay anymore. And if that exceptional occassion does happen, I have no problem telling the person. This is different. These people looked up to me and for a year I was their mentor and best friend. I lied to them about who I was. Well, in actuality, I lied to myself about who I was. It wasn't their fault. But damn. Now look what I have done.
When I walked in the door, I immediately tracked down Kim's number and have since been calling her over and over and over. No answering machine and no answer.
Now I am forced to sit and stew.
I miss Kim alot. I always have. She was an incredible person and I always felt really bad about how things ended. But you know it is impossible to go back and apologize. I don't know where her feelings are at right now. I hurt her and I know I hurt her badly. Of all of the people on the floor...she is one of 3 people that I just destroyed by pulling away. She, of the 3, is the only person who destroyed me right back. As I said...she and Andrea had a lot in common with me, including the way we handle dicks. And I was the dick.
I want to see her. I must see her. I need to take her out for drinks and maybe we can get a friendship going again. Alright...time to go give her a ring again.
Let a word to the wise be sufficient...
Life is coincidental and the world is small. It is never impossible to go back and fix things.
Here is my chance.
When is yours?
So I am standing in the corner of one of the trains on the subway minding my own business. When I get to 30th street, I decide to leave my cramped hole and get close to the door. As I swing around to face the doorway, the girl in front of me turns around and like out of a movie we both say at the exact same time: "Oh my God."
Standing in front of me is a girl named Desiree. I am in SHOCK. I look next to her and who the fuck do I see sitting there??? KIM MOORE! UM! KIM MOTHA FUCKING MOORE! Kelly...do you remember Kim? She lived with Andrea.
Ok..let me explain before this gets super annoying.
Kim and Desiree are two of the 34 residents that lived in my hall when I was an RA, my junior year of college. I was THAT RA. The one that drank with his residents, covered for them on every occassion, bought pot for and from them, etc. In turn, they went to every program I put up, showed up at every hall council meeting, and became, for the year...my best friends. It was a crazy year for me for so many reasons...but the best and worst of it came from these 34 people. I have to admit it. I was an AMAZING RA. In my 3 years in the dorm, I never saw a floor bond as well as mine did. Most of them stayed in touch all through college and even moved in with eachother once that time came to move off campus. To prove my point more...Desiree and Kim were from TWO sides of the track when they met at my first hall meeting...and now they live together in Astoria! We all did a lot together and we all got close real fast. Damn. That was a GOOD year for me in a lot of aspects.
Kim, Andrea, and I became the closest first. They were both drop dead gorgeous and the kind of girls that I usually am friends with. Not because they are gorgeous, but because they were fun and just like me. We had an intense friendship for about 4 months. I was straight at the time and fell for Andrea. My brother came to visit and he and Kim fell hard for eachother. That was difficult for me to deal with at the time...but so it goes...
At the end of the first semester, I had a MAJOR falling out with these girls, cuz I realized that I was giving them all of my attention and not focusing on the other 32 people of my floor.
Needless to say, I branched out and they got pissed.
Since that time, I haven't really gotten along with Kim and Andrea. It's always a fake "hi" and an even faker "bye". I got close to Desiree when I had to spend the night in the hospital with her due to her horrible asthma attacks.
The year ended with a fucking BANG and I said goodbye to all of them.
The next year, I pulled away from ALL of them completely, in typical Joe style, and got to know my girls of 56B. The girls that stayed with me up until this point and the girls that I owe my life to. All the bullshit with my residents up until that point was worth it, having met these incredible 56B ladies.
But I sacrificed all of them in the process.
When I saw Desiree and Kim on the subway, my heart stopped. So many things flashed through my mind.
1) I was INCREDIBLY excited to see them.
2) They don't know I am gay. I came out two years after not talking to them anymore.
3) I think they might still harbor negative feelings for me, considering how it all went down at the end. Kim especially.
So, because of all of this bullshit...I had no idea how to react to them. I acted like I didn't want to see them and when it was time to go our separate ways...I said: "Well...see you at the subway again." They both looked a little disheartened, but it was too late. I had already killed the chance of asking for or giving my number. They were like "ok...see ya", I hugged and kissed them, turned on my heels and walked away.
As I walked home I started to get upset. Why was I like that to them? Regardless of these thoughts I had...why did I not just suck it up and be nicer? Why didn't I give them my number and let them make the choice of calling me?
I'll tell you why.
It's so RARE...in fact...it's almost impossible for me to run into anyone who doesn't know that I am gay anymore. And if that exceptional occassion does happen, I have no problem telling the person. This is different. These people looked up to me and for a year I was their mentor and best friend. I lied to them about who I was. Well, in actuality, I lied to myself about who I was. It wasn't their fault. But damn. Now look what I have done.
When I walked in the door, I immediately tracked down Kim's number and have since been calling her over and over and over. No answering machine and no answer.
Now I am forced to sit and stew.
I miss Kim alot. I always have. She was an incredible person and I always felt really bad about how things ended. But you know it is impossible to go back and apologize. I don't know where her feelings are at right now. I hurt her and I know I hurt her badly. Of all of the people on the floor...she is one of 3 people that I just destroyed by pulling away. She, of the 3, is the only person who destroyed me right back. As I said...she and Andrea had a lot in common with me, including the way we handle dicks. And I was the dick.
I want to see her. I must see her. I need to take her out for drinks and maybe we can get a friendship going again. Alright...time to go give her a ring again.
Let a word to the wise be sufficient...
Life is coincidental and the world is small. It is never impossible to go back and fix things.
Here is my chance.
When is yours?
